Yeah, that’s sure to settle things down
In a bold attempt to calm tensions inside of world football’s most notoriously fragile dressing rooms, Real Madrid have appointed Jose Mourinho as their new head coach.
Madrid president Florentino Perez described Mourinho as ‘the ideal figure to reduce conflict’ at the club.
The appointment follows months of reported dressing room unrest, with senior players allegedly divided into several factions based on ego, social media following, and whose documentary crew gets priority access to the changing room.
‘Mourinho has a proven track record in high-conflict environments’, Perez told reporters, shortly after calling half of them ugly.
‘In many cases, Jose personally created those environments, which gives him a unique understanding of how to manage them’.
Paddy Power News understands the atmosphere at the club had become increasingly toxic after multiple players stopped speaking to one another except through passive-aggressive Instagram stories.
Star player Kylian Mbappe reportedly demanded a transfer after teammate Vinicius Jr failed to like a post-match apology graphic within the first hour during the season.
Players are said to have responded positively to initial reports of Mourinho’s return, with several describing training as ‘the most united the squad has felt in months’ according to a club insider.
‘The entire dressing room quickly bonded over a shared fear of becoming the subject of one of Mourinho’s press conference analogies,’ we were told.
‘He’s already texted every single player in the squad to call us mentally weak’, another source revealed
‘Honestly, it was nice to finally feel part of something together’.
‘If the manager telling us we’re sh*t because there are more Brentford than Real Madrid players at the World Cup doesn’t bring us together, nothing will.’
Mourinho himself appeared relaxed when quizzed on hisl return to the Bernabeu.
‘I am not here to create conflict’, the Portuguese told us, shortly after blaming three players for leaking stories to the media.
‘It’s just, I think, today’s footballers are too sensitive’.
‘You call one player mentally weak, another selfish, another a tactical disaster, and suddenly everyone says the environment is “toxic.”
‘In my day, this was called man management’.
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